Retaliation of the food variety

I think my food is starting to fight back.

No, I don't see my cauliflower sprouting legs and arms and throwing the carrots at my head. My baked chicken isn't suddenly coming back to life and chasing me into the living room.

But I have received a series of injuries -- minor injuries, but injuries all the same -- over the past week that were all due to my consumption of food or beverage.

On Wednesday, while working from home because of snow, I tried to crack open a walnut and the shell sliced my thumb. On Thursday I was reaching into the freezer and an ice cube (yes, an ice cube) pierced my index finger.On Friday I was eating a chip with lunch and a corner stabbed my gumline. And just today, a too-warm cup of coffee burned the tip of my tongue and the roof of my mouth.

What gives?

It could be that for the majority of my life I've had to "battle with my weight." I was only what I would call "very heavy" in the latter years of my marriage but I've never been uber-thin. So I've fought the food battle -- keep an eye on the amount of fried foods I ate, fortunately I've always loved fresh veggies. My weakness for chocolate was offset by my love of salad. I gave up doughnuts and pie and cake and other sinful delicacies long ago.

But now I wonder if the food is starting to fight back.

"C'mon," I can hear it saying, "just one bite. We won't hurt you. You'll like us, we promise."

Yeah, right.

Where do I find self-defense classes to protect me from attack food?

And for the rest of you ...

Forgot to add these to the bottom of my last post, but here is a list of other fun holidays in December:

Dec. 2: National Fritters Day
Dec. 4: Wear Brown Shoes Day
Dec. 8: National Take It In the Ear Day
Dec. 12: National Ding-a-Ling Day (See? Everyone gets a holiday!)
Dec. 13: Ice Cream and Violins day (I have no idea why these two go together)
Dec. 16: National Chocolate-Covered Anything Day (Yet another favorite!)
and ...
Dec. 30: Festival of Enormous Changes at the Last Minute (There's only one of those each year?).

A day just for me

Finally, a holiday devoted to me and my kind that I can truly, truly relate to.

The day after Christmas, Dec. 26, is National Whiners Day. I can't wait.

I don't know if I've always been a whiner or if the people I know now just bring it out in me -- but for the last three years I've become somewhat of a whining icon. I even won a "High Maintenance Award" in 2006 from my then-editor.

Whining truly is a craft. I don't whine like my 13-year-old daughter whines -- you know, with the foot stomping and "it's not fair!" declaration at every turn. I apparently got so good at disguising my whines that for the longest time I didn't realize that what I was doing actually WAS whining. Until I asked my friends. Co-workers. Family. Kids.

Oh, yeah. I'm a whiner.